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Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#1 Old 23rd Feb 2018 at 3:42 PM
Default Proof reading for majors
Hello dear simers. I'm planning to create majors, fitting some of my careers and would be happy if anyone could have a look on my texts. Thanks in advance for any help.

HRE nobility
To cope in the world of high nobility you have to demonstrate many different talents, starting with not falling of the horse, continuing with the recitation of epical verses, right up to the most sophisticated intrigues.
1. Sparring – Which one was the sword and which one the shield?
2. Riding – Saddle, mount, don’t fall of – from here to there with one HP
3. Heraldry – Standing golden lion and red tower on blue ground, that was the count of…
4. Genealogy – Who inherits what from whom? And who should I marry?
5. Court etiquette – Whom can I threat contemptuous? And who can treat me that way?
6. Organising feasts – Serve the good wine first
7. Epics and Minnesang – Entertainment for long evenings without a TV
8. Court intrigues – Wrong smiles and sharp daggers

Demon fighting (Lilly Windsor's Watcher's council career)
The Watcher’s council does nothing less than saving the world from doom. To do so one thing is superior: knowledge; Knowledge about old and new enemies and how to fight them; Knowledge about where to find this knowledge. Also there is this thing with the Slayer, but don’t worry about it too much for now. The Slayers change but the council stands.
1. Classification 1 – Demons, Monsters, Hell Gods
2. Research 1 – The Black Chronicles and other standard reference
3. Sparring – Point to the heart and don’t let them bite you
4. Classification 2 – How to fight which demon
5. Research 2 – Fairy tales and legends as a source
6. Research 3 – Research in the internet – Sorting out New Age pages
7. The Slayer – The Taming of the Shrew
8. Diaries – so that not every Watcher has to start at scratch

Devon Coven
Magic, real magic, is powerful and very dangerous. Therefore it is very important to understand the nature of magic in all its facets. Only then is it possible to use it responsibly.
1. The history of magic – from the druids of the lost age to the modern techno shaman
2. Responsibility – The sage only uses his powers when necessary.
3. Roots, molecules, thoughts – everything is connected
4. Punctuality - A wizard is never late... nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
5. The world of magic – Not only humans
6. Politics in the magic world 1 – When should the Coven intervene?
7. Addiction prevention – To avoid magic dealers
8. Politics in the magic world 2 – The Watcher’s council doesn’t have to know everything

The Initiative
The Initiative is a project, not only to end the permanent threat of HST but to utilize these powers for the government. Therefore it’s looking for engaged young people who don’t fear the unknown. (Warning: independent thinking unwanted)
1. Camouflage and secrecy – public knowing would be counterproductive
2. Sparring – Point to the heart and don’t let them bite you
3. Recognising HST – Scanning body temperature and other methods
4. Weapons technology – Wooden stake vs. stun gun
5. Tracing technology – Pheromone scanner and tracking devices
6. HST classification 3 – Werewolves – no scruples after retransformation
7. Extra class: “The Slayer” – Ally or threat?
8. Missions management 314 – To catch HST unharmed

Division
Welcome to the basement. Division gave you a second chance: deal with it. Etiquette, sparring, technology – you have to master this and more to persist in the world of intelligence. Be very attentive during training. Once in the field, one wrong step can end fatal. There aren’t many old agents.
1. Rules for recruits – don’t break ranks but shine
2. Sparring – Krav Maga, Karate, et al.
3. Technology 1 – Weapons and explosives
4. Technology 2 – Hacking computer systems
5. To exert control – Propaganda and puppet governments
6. Your life outside of Division – nothing but a camouflage
7. Evaluation talk with the Inquisitor – Psycho terror and tea
8. Final Exam – Your first killing mission
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Mad Poster
#2 Old 23rd Feb 2018 at 5:14 PM
Falling off a horse, instead of falling of a horse.

Je mange des girafes et je parle aussi français !...surtout :0)

Find all my old MTS Uploads, on my SFS ;)
Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#3 Old 23rd Feb 2018 at 5:33 PM
A good start, thank you Rosebine. I also thought about naming the courses not 1,2,3 but 101,... but I'm not sure what comes after 101. Is it 102 or 201 or 202...?
Edit: I found another error myself: Watchers' council instead of Watcher's council.
Mad Poster
#4 Old 23rd Feb 2018 at 6:15 PM
About how you name your classes, I would say..pretty much your choice.
101 being the basic of all classes, you can then have a 112 one that specifies in..something, but still at the same level. Then go to..302...the next year etc.

Je mange des girafes et je parle aussi français !...surtout :0)

Find all my old MTS Uploads, on my SFS ;)
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#5 Old 23rd Feb 2018 at 11:21 PM
Whom can I threat contemptuous

Whom can I treat contemptuously

I think - the former may be ok in American English, I don't know, but it's bad English-English.

-----------
The Watcher's council does nothing less than saving the world from doom

The Watcher's Council does nothing less than save the world from doom

----------
To do so one thing is superior

Not even sure what you're trying to say here. To do so, one thing in your arsenal must be superior

maybe?

----------
The Black Chronicles and other standard references
3. Sparring - Point at the heart and don't let them bite you

4. Classification 2 - How to fight which demon

Ummm - how to fight any given demon.

That's just your first two levels and the obvious errors.

tflc is my tumblr with uploads not uploaded here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/tflc

Polgannon: Who Murdered Blaise Penhaligan?
(3rd ed. neighbourhood now available with corrections). Poll: http://strawpoll.me/6689876

Thread for yakking about making TS2 stuff
Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#6 Old 24th Feb 2018 at 7:25 AM
Hi. Thank you for your corrections. What I wanted do say here: "To do so one thing is superior: knowledge" is that knowledge is the most important requirement if you want to fight demons. What I meant here "How to fight which demon" is: how to fight demon A, how to fight demon B...
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#7 Old 24th Feb 2018 at 10:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonas510
Hi. Thank you for your corrections. What I wanted do say here: "To do so one thing is superior: knowledge" is that knowledge is the most important requirement if you want to fight demons.


Yeah - so that should perhaps be 'To do so, one thing should be superior: knowledge.' Though it should probably be superior to something else - perhaps 'To do so, knowledge should be paramount' which means it's more important than anything else though that construction is still ugly. 'To do so, knowledge should be the paramount weapon in a watcher's armoury' might be better

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonas510
What I meant here "How to fight which demon" is: how to fight demon A, how to fight demon B...

How about simply 'how to fight different demons?' or 'know your demon: selecting the correct fighting technique'

tflc is my tumblr with uploads not uploaded here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/tflc

Polgannon: Who Murdered Blaise Penhaligan?
(3rd ed. neighbourhood now available with corrections). Poll: http://strawpoll.me/6689876

Thread for yakking about making TS2 stuff
Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#8 Old 3rd Mar 2018 at 6:19 PM
Hello again. I hope you excuse the delay. I used your corrections. To be honest I'm surprised there are so many. I must be a little rusty. Are there more mistakes in the other three majors?
Field Researcher
#9 Old 8th Mar 2018 at 9:31 AM Last edited by d4RE : 8th Mar 2018 at 9:35 AM. Reason: weird symbols from cut/paste
a few suggestions:

recitation of epical verses
recitation of epic verses

Heraldry - Standing golden lion and red tower on blue ground, that was the count of...
Heraldry - Standing golden lion and red tower on azure field, that was the count of...

To do so one thing is superior: knowledge; Knowledge about old and new enemies and how to fight them; Knowledge about where to find this knowledge.
To do so, one thing is paramount: Knowledge. Knowledge of old and new enemies and how to fight them; Knowledge about where to find this knowledge.

not only to end the permanent threat of HST
not only to permanently end the threat of HST

Therefore it's looking for engaged young people who don't fear the unknown. (Warning: independent thinking unwanted)
Therefore, it's looking for engaged young people who don't fear the unknown. (Warning: independent thinking discouraged)

Division gave you a second chance: deal with it.
Division gave you a second chance; deal with it.

Once in the field, one wrong step can end fatal
Once in the field, one wrong step can end fatally OR
Once in the field, one wrong step can be fatal

Sparring - Krav Maga, Karate, et al.
Sparring - Krav Maga, Karate, etc. ( et al. is usually understood to mean "and others" {people}(alii), but can also mean "and others" {things}(alia). etc. is more common for things, meaning "and other similar things". So, technically, either one would be correct, but etc. is more common. )
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#10 Old 8th Mar 2018 at 12:48 PM
oooo split inifinitive

I know it's not necessarily a bad thing but that reads uncomfortably (to me)

tflc is my tumblr with uploads not uploaded here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/tflc

Polgannon: Who Murdered Blaise Penhaligan?
(3rd ed. neighbourhood now available with corrections). Poll: http://strawpoll.me/6689876

Thread for yakking about making TS2 stuff
Field Researcher
#11 Old 9th Mar 2018 at 2:02 AM
not only to end permanently the threat of HST?

correct, but sounds awkward to my Texas ears
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#12 Old 9th Mar 2018 at 7:49 PM
or not only permanently to end the thread of HST - also correct though I prefer your version. It's interesting it sounds awkward to you. I'm English and both those sound fine but the split infinitive sounds clunky. I think it's becoming one of those things about style variation rather than strict grammatical rule so perhaps the OP should go with what they prefer there.

tflc is my tumblr with uploads not uploaded here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/tflc

Polgannon: Who Murdered Blaise Penhaligan?
(3rd ed. neighbourhood now available with corrections). Poll: http://strawpoll.me/6689876

Thread for yakking about making TS2 stuff
Field Researcher
#13 Old 11th Mar 2018 at 7:04 AM
True. Grammatical rules notwithstanding, the only issue I saw was that a threat could not be permanent if it was endable. Style of communication still comes down to choice and preference.
Lab Assistant
Original Poster
#14 Old 12th Mar 2018 at 9:04 AM Last edited by Jonas510 : 24th Mar 2018 at 8:40 AM.
Thank you again for the many, many corrections. Only the Devon Coven left. I can upload them when you told me about the mistakes in this last major, although it's probably maxon and d4RE who should get the downloads, as there isn't much left of my original "texts".

Hello again. I decided to try and upload the majors as they are. Of course this doesn't mean that I'm not open for more corrections. Anyway, thank you very much for your help.
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